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School of Sexuality Education reviews Adolescence

The Netflix series, Adolescence, was released just over a month ago. As a charity delivering relationships and sexuality education (RSE) in schools, the show centered many topics that are important to us and our work. Issues like: sexual and gender-based violence amongst young people; how young people navigate healthy relationships; and online harms such as digital image-based abuse or online cultures of misogyny and Inceldom.

We really welcome the discussions the show has helped create. These are important topics. However, we feel that some important things have been missed in some of these discussions. Based on our experiences of working with students in UK schools, we reflect on Adolescence and some of the ways it portrays misogyny in schools. We consider the ways the series has been talked about in public, as well as what important messages are missing and what we can all do next to tackle these harms. 

Spoilers and warnings - This piece contains spoilers for the TV show. It also specifically addresses lots of the issues featured in Adolescence, in some detail. This includes things like sexual violence, misogyny and the murder of a child. 

There was a lot to love about Adolescence. In an age of ‘second screen’ entertainment - viewers often having phones or other devices open whilst watching TV - it was absolutely compelling. It was brilliantly written, acted and shot. There is something powerful about this show and it has managed to draw in a large audience and engage them around really tough subjects. Even the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, has commented on Adolescence and the issues it features. Repeatedly. The show has drawn in many people and got them interested in trying to understand misogyny in schools. This is a really important and powerful phenomenon. 

Even though Adolescence centers around a very extreme and rarer type of misogynistic violence - murder - it felt like it did a pretty good job of showing how normalised and everyday misogyny and sexual violence in schools can be. The adoption of harmful, misogynistic and violent language and behaviour by young people - specifically boys and young men - is, in our experience, extremely common. We often encounter comments and ideas from students that echo these sentiments. A couple of weeks ago, one of our facilitators was told,  “She was kind of asking for it,” by a student. This was in response to a hypothetical scenario involving catcalling and sexual harassment in a school setting. The work that we do often involves unpacking and constructively challenging these sorts of ideas. 

We also felt very seen by the depictions of misogyny against school staff - something else we experience in schools through pupils behaving very differently towards adults in a gendered way. This dynamic is captured well in Adolescence. The second episode is set in Jamie’s school. In this environment, we see lots of examples of male teachers acting in a domineering way - aggressively shouting at students to get them to behave. 

Our facilitator, Emma, was particularly struck by this aspect. They described the figure of the ‘shouty man teacher’ seen several times in the second episode as ‘very familiar’, likening it to their experiences of being in schools, where an authoritative senior teacher - usually a man - will turn up to shout for order in an unruly classroom, then disappear.

The way in which boys can behave differently to women who are authority figures in their lives and the way misogyny is enacted through this is shown throughout Adolescence. We see students talk disparagingly about women teachers in the corridor on several occasions - for example, “What the fuck’s she on?” from one student after being told to tuck his school shirt in, or the angry response from a male pupil who Mrs Fenumore briefly interacts with whilst leading the police officers through the canteen. In the third episode, we see Jamie adopt some of this misogynistic behaviour towards Briony Ariston - a psychologist and one of the few female characters in Adolescence who we get to hear from at length. He shouts and threatens, at one point yelling, “You don’t tell me what to do, get that into your little head.” When eventually a member of the facility staff comes in, this seems to echo the experience Emma described in schools - an authoritative man coming in to deal with challenge from boys, using masculinity to make them submissive.

Illustration by Hannah Brown

Adolescence portrays some really important issues in a way that feels very authentic to us as practitioners working with youth in UK schools. But the way the public have spoken about it has been quite frustrating to us, as an organisation trying to address sexual and gender-based violence amongst young people. We will now consider where we feel Adolescence falls short - or at least, where the public discussion around it has. 

One thing we feel very strongly is that, while Adolescence has been a great way of getting adults’ attention and interest in the issues, it is absolutely not appropriate as a resource for teaching young people about misogyny, relationships, violence prevention or digital harms. Netflix announced that they would be making the series available for schools to show their students. We would strongly discourage schools from doing this, for a number of reasons. 

Although it is about young people, Adolescence is very much framed from an adult point of view. We see the story almost entirely from their perspectives. We only very briefly ever see young people interacting without adults present. Adolescence is a great window into how parents and professionals grapple with things like gender-based violence in schools or inceldom. It’s a great device for engaging the wider community into the issue of misogyny and violence amongst young people. But it doesn’t really speak to what their experiences are like or, for young people at least, what needs to change in their lives to address the harms depicted. Since the show was released, we haven’t really noticed young people themselves talking about Adolescence in schools. This makes sense, given that the focus of the show is not actually young peoples’ first-hand experiences. 

On a practical note, showing Adolescence in schools will be logistically hard. Although a miniseries consisting of just four episodes, this amounts to over four hours of viewing. Whilst a part of the statutory national curriculum, we find that RSE subjects are often not given priority in terms of time and other resources dedicated to them in schools.  It is often deprioritised for other core subjects, particularly ones that older students will be examined on. We will often be asked to deliver topics in a shorter time than we would like - for example, just 50 minutes for a workshop on sexual violence prevention or navigating digital media. In public discussions about Adolescence, some have made suggestions to add content to what is taught in classrooms to address the issues the show raises. Whilst we will always encourage reflection around how to improve the RSE curriculum, this discourse is not helpful if it comes without commitment and resources to help schools implement change. Access to a TV show alone just won’t cut that. We find Netflix’s announcement particularly interesting in light of the criticism DI Luke Bascombe, a police officer investigating Katie’s murder, makes after spending a day watching how the school operates: 

“Does it look like anyone’s learning anything to you? It just looks like a fucking holding pen. Videos in every class.”

It is likely that the experiences of Jamie and his killing of Katie will seem very distant from the vast majority of students in the UK, even if the misogyny and digital harms that underpin them aren’t. To make those links and reflect on how to challenge and change misogyny in schools, we need more than this video in every class. 

Though generally thought provoking, Adolescence doesn’t provide any concrete suggestions on how to tackle the problems featured. The concept of what exactly the problem is feels vague. Variously, “the computer”, “all that instagram stuff”, “incels” and “the manosphere” are positioned as the issue - without explicitly explaining how or even what these things really mean. Polina, one of our facilitators, described it feeling like social media was made into a “scapegoat” for Katie’s murder. There have been rumours about a possible second series of Adolescence. Polina is also a PhD candidate in media studies and commented that she would want to see “much more in depth engagement with what inceldom is” if this were to happen. She added that It would be important to see this much more directly addressed and unpacked. Because Adolescence doesn’t ever solidly commit to what could or should have been done to prevent Katie’s death. It is hinted at, at times. DS Misha Frank, another police officer investigating the murder reflects after the school visit, 

“All kids need is one thing that makes them feel good about themselves.”

We get the impression from Briony Ariston (the psychologist), Eddie Miller (Jamie’s dad) as well as Jamie himself that part of the problem is what ‘being a man’ means to Jamie, and the lack of regard and self-esteem he has experienced growing up. We also see Luke (DI Bascombe) making tentative attempts to spend time with and bond with his son, Adam, after a day of witnessing how cold the school experience can be. We get the impression that adults need to be compassionate and interested in boys and young men, but nobody says it explicitly. In the final episode Jamie’s parents are discussing Jamie’s actions and if they could have done anything differently as parents to prevent him killing Katie. Manda Miller (Jamie’s mum) says to Eddie (his dad), 

“I think it would be good… if we accepted that maybe we should’ve done [more to prevent what Jamie did]. I think it’d be okay for us to think that.”

There is a definite sense that things should be different, but no specifics about what that should look like. This is perhaps a completely reasonably (and realistic) conclusion to draw from a piece of television. But it’s disappointing that this general lack of commitment to clear, realistic and specific action has been reflected in the wider discourse. 

Another feature of Adolescence that makes it dramatically interesting, but perhaps also unhelpful as a reference for how to tackle gender-based and sexual violence amongst youth, is just how heavily it is written from a masculine perspective. A majority of the significant characters are men - and to a lesser extent boys. Whilst it was brilliantly written and acted overall, we felt that the women and girls were typically not written as strongly as male characters. At least one of the four episodes doesn’t seem to pass the Bechdel test. 

Perhaps this is largely due to the writing and producing team consisting heavily of men - and working together to produce an authentic feeling perspective of this issue. And this wouldn’t be a problem if we had a range of references and perspectives within our culture talking about these issues. But when it comes to gender-based violence, we simply don’t. In one of the few extended speeches given to a woman character in Adolescence, Misha (DS Frank) laments the fact that women and girls who have been murdered are never the focus of attention. 

We are concerned about this reliance solely on the perspective of men, as well as a disregard for the experiences of women and girls, which seems to have spilled over into the public discourse. Many commentators have focused on the ideas and opinions of men, some resting on the idea of ‘positive masculinity’ rather than ‘toxic masculinity’. We strongly believe that the answer to gender-based violence amongst youth is to openly engage them in discussion and critical reflection about the ways in which the gender binary creates and reinforces harm. By ‘the gender binary’, we mean: the concept that everyone is either a man or a woman; that men and women are inherently completely different from each other, often rooted in biological myths as an explanation for these differences; and that any harms arising from these gender differences are inevitable and ‘natural’.

Examples of the gender binary we see in Adolescence include the expectation that men always want sex and are also not good at expressing emotions - other than through anger.  In the discussions with Briony, the psychologist, we get the impression that Jamie feels pressure to make up and brag about being sexually experienced with girls. We also learn that he holds deeply negative views of himself, partly because he sees himself as “ugly” and unattractive to girls. It is not explicitly stated, but we as the viewers are left to draw conclusions that, after being romantically rejected by Katie, he felt compelled to respond with anger. 

A big part of the work we do around sexual-violence prevention is talking to young people - including boys and young men - and asking them to critically reflect on the gender binary. This includes teaching them that it is important for people - of any gender - to accept romantic and sexual rejection without pressure, coercion or violence and that expressing feelings of sadness or vulnerability is okay and actually very human. Centering the conversation around ‘positive masculinity’ merely gives them an altered set of ideals to put in the rigid boxes of how men and boys should perform to comply with the gender binary. It does nothing to create freedom from gendered expectations. 

Something Dolly, CEO of School of Sexuality Education, has said would be great to see in a second season of Adolescence is openly addressing the idea that ‘boys will only listen to men’ about misogyny or masculinity. Both in our work in schools and also in the public discussions around Adolescence we hear the idea that solving misogyny and gender-based violence is just about giving boys ‘good male role models’. Whilst it’s important that people of all genders are part of the conversation, focusing only on men’s roles perpetuates, rather than frees us from, the gender binary. It also reinforces the idea that women and girls have no authority or part in addressing gender-based violence, further perpetuating misogynistic assumptions. As we stated earlier, this is exactly the problematic gendered dynamic we see both authentically portrayed in Adolescence and in the work we do in schools. 

Adolescence is an original and moving piece of work. It asks important questions about misogyny and violence amongst young people in the age of the manosphere. It has done a fantastic job of bringing these questions into public awareness. However, as a piece of cultural entertainment, its use in telling us how we answer these questions is extremely limited. As experts in the school RSE sector, we hope that people are able to translate this awareness into action. We hope that the parents and carers use it as a prompt to talk to young people, creating spaces in their lives where they feel valued, esteemed and heard. We hope that professionals, politicians and policy makers take it as a call to action to open and specifically work to raise and address these issues with young people.

Adolescence is currently available to view on Netflix. For more information about our workshops on a range of RSE topics, including on sexual violence prevention and healthy relationships, contact info@schoolofsexed.org.

For more information about our training programmes on tackling misogyny in schools and non-educational workplaces visit our CPD page.

Pet Names for Private Parts: Why It’s Not Okay

A guest blog, by Charlie K

Charlie is a former youth worker, campaigner, and healthcare advocate. He successfully campaigned for political parties to include Deaf Education in schools, and runs a successful community group that supports the LGBTQIA+ Community with disabilities, chronic illnesses, mental health conditions, and neurodiverse identities. 

When I was a child, my mother told me to refer to my vulva and vagina as a ‘pee-pee’, and I always wondered why this was. Was it because the real name was so wrong or dirty that we had to use innuendos? Was it because she was projecting her own shame and embarrassment onto me? Or was it because that was just how she was taught by her mother? 

Throughout this blog, we will explore why it is that we don’t teach children and young people the right words for their anatomy from a young age, and the importance of correcting that for future generations.

Illustration by Evie Karkera

Why is it ‘socially unacceptable’ to use the right words for genitalia? 

It is in a young person’s best interest to learn about their bodies to protect themselves and others from harm. Sexual Violence Educator, Kate Rohdenburg, sits down with the young people in her classrooms and asks them to identify the parts of the body (Buni, 2013). 

"Face!" "Nose!" "Belly!" "Mouth!" "Toes!" shout the children, as they engage with the session. All of these features are so normal to us, yet there is still such a stigma attached to one part of the body that belongs to those with vulvas and vaginas. There is an inherent undercurrent of shame attached to these parts like it is somehow wrong to have one or to hold any feelings about having it, good or bad. 

The ‘shame’ that we are taught throughout childhood leads to young people being unable to communicate about their health or safety with trusted adults, and any adults feeling awkward or unable to discuss their bodies with potential partners or medical professionals. The Eve Appeal, a charity that supports people with gynaecological cancers, found in 2016 that over 65% of young people with vulvas and vaginas do not feel comfortable using those words, with 40% of young people continuing to use euphemisms to describe their genitalia (The Eve Appeal, 2016). 

The Origins of Censorship

Exploring the history of the anatomical names for our genitalia may partially explain why we don’t use the actual names for our anatomy, yet this is not to say that we cannot change this in the modern day. 

Both ‘Vagina’ and ‘Vulva’ derive from Seventeenth Century Latin, with ‘Vagina’ meaning ‘sheath’ or ‘scabbard’, an item that was used to protect a sword, with ‘Vulva’ meaning ‘to revolve or wrap’ (Rosen, 2024; Harper, no dateB; Harper, no dateC). The implication being that the vulva and vagina are secondary to the ‘sword’ it protects (Rosen, 2024). Outside of the English language, Dutch and German share the same name for the labia, the folds of skin on the vulva, ‘Shaamlippen/Schamlippen’. The literal translation of this in English isn’t actually labia however, it is ‘shame lips’ (Schaamteloos, no date; Schechter, no date). Dutch campaigners have been working to fight the shame, and instead change the name to ‘vulvalippen’ or in English, Vulva Lips (Schaamteloos, no date). 

The language of shame is not solely surrounding vulvas and vaginas, although they are the main focus. The nerve that provides sensation to our genitals regardless of sex is referred to as the ‘Pudendal Nerve’. The word ‘Pudenda’ which gives the Nerve its full name also derives from Latin, and translates to ‘thing to be ashamed of’ (Physiopedia contributors, 2023; Harper, no dateA). 

60% of the English language derives from Latin, specifically the neo-Latin era of 1500-1900 (Ben-Menahem, 2009, p. 5581). Subsequently, most language used to describe genitals derives from this period. Latin was the language of the ‘upper class’, with religious leaders and academics forging new works during this “scientific revolution” (Butterfield, 1959, p. viii). Unfortunately, people with vulvas were typically excluded from academia, and even if they were educated (which only the upper classes had access to), they would be looked down upon (McCallum-Barry, 2016). The conservatism of the era has formed the basis for our language today. It is no wonder then that there is a sense of embarrassment about genitals, considering a lot of the language we use to describe them historically excludes or shames them!

Censorship Today

Such a narrative in today’s society is perpetuated throughout TV shows, social media, and companies, with censorship on mentions of the vulva “not complying with guidelines” (Popat et al., 2022), whilst penises face no such restrictions. In 2007, the writers of Grey’s Anatomy were asked to omit the word “vagina”, and instead they coined the euphemism, “vajayjay” when a surgeon's character was discussing labour and delivery. 

In 2020, Family Guy was not allowed to use ‘vagina’ in a scene, and instead coined the term “cleeman” to avoid censorship (Popat et al., 2022). Additionally, social media apps like TikTok will remove videos of people mentioning vaginas, so, people use words like ‘virginia’ or ‘v*g*na’ to avoid videos getting flagged and banned. Similarly, if you wished to engrave the word ‘clit’ or ‘vagina’ onto an Apple iPhone, it does not allow it due to “inappropriate language”, yet ‘penis’ or ‘dick’ are perfectly fine (Tamblyn, 2014). 

Renowned illustrator, Liv Strömquist, expands on the language of vulvas and vaginas in her book, ‘Fruit of Knowledge: The Vulva vs. the Patriarchy’. Exploring the censorship, exclusion, and shame surrounding the vulva, she comes to one conclusion. The lack of accurate language and illustrations used for actual vulvas, not the barbie-doll vulvas that are often depicted in media, could be classed as “psychic genital mutilation”, in other words, the mental removal of vulvas in the societal zeitgeist (Strömquist, 2014, p. 39). 

The censorship and shame surrounding the correct terms for vulvas is so deeply ingrained in modern society, yet there are no good reasons to replace these. It is important to use the proper terms, not just to combat the shame of talking, but for the safety of young people, for them to look after their health, and to communicate their needs properly.

Why is it important to use the right terms to describe our anatomy?

Shame 

Naturally, we teach children that their penises and vulvas are known as ‘private parts’ for good reason. Teaching young children that their bodies are their own can establish powerful ideas around bodily autonomy from the beginning. However, ‘private’ is different from ‘shameful’.

Vulvas and vaginas serve important functions, from providing people with pleasure to creating new life. It is not shameful to own vulvas, and only by more openly discussing the actual names of bodies can we truly eradicate the culture of shame, and clearly communicate our needs.

Clarity and Communication

When I asked my friends why they believed it was important to use the right names for our anatomy, one of them said, “You wouldn’t call a leg a walky arm, so why would you call any other part of your body anything different?”. This sentiment has also been echoed by the American Academy of Paediatrics (2023) in one of their Child Abuse Prevention Month posts. Children and young people need to know the differences between an appropriate touch and not, and when it is time to report any unwanted interactions to a trusted adult. 

Miscommunication occurs when code names are given to genitalia. Young people must be taught the correct names for their anatomy so that they can communicate with any professionals if they have an issue with their vulvas or vaginas; so that they can tell any future partners what they do and don’t like; as well as understand their bodies. We will discuss child sexual assault later in this blog, but it is important to state here that when a child makes a disclosure to a trusted adult regarding their experiences, it is very easy to misinterpret if the correct names are not used

If a young person states that “[someone] touched my ‘cookie’”, this can have varying consequences if taken at face value compared to the euphemistic reference to penis/vagina. It is important to prevent harm to children and give young people the vocabulary to ensure their safety and feel empowered (Kenny and Wurtele, 2008, p.74). 

The communication issues are not restricted solely to children and young adults, however. When polling women* aged 26-35, only half were able to correctly identify the vulva, vagina, womb, cervix, and ovaries on a basic diagram (Eve Appeal, 2016). It is impossible to communicate clearly with those around us and understand our experiences when we are not given the words or the power to do so.

*Please note that we are using language here that is used in the poll, we prefer the terms ‘People with Vaginas’ and ‘People with vulvas’.

Safety

Sadly, research has shown that 1 in 3 people with vulvas and 1 in 20 of those with penises will be sexually assaulted by the time they are 17 (American Academy of Paediatrics, 2023). Unfortunately, these numbers are likely higher as young people may feel ashamed or embarrassed to disclose their experiences of assault - feelings we work towards combatting. 

If genitals are already seen as something ‘wrong’ to openly discuss, it’s no wonder people may be reluctant to disclose their experiences to trusted adults.

Health

If you have a health issue, you see a doctor and explain what’s wrong. You’ve tripped and twisted your ankle, you can explain that to your GP. You’ve bumped your head, you discuss that with your GP. But, when there is a gynaecological issue, lots of people with vulvas don’t know how to describe it, or might not feel comfortable speaking to their doctor about it. In a society that perpetuates the notion of shame surrounding discussing vulval anatomy, it is completely understandable why, but it does not have to be this way.

In 2022, a survey conducted by the UK Department of Health and Social Care (DHSC), found that on average, 84% of women* in the UK felt they had not been listened to by healthcare professionals. Although a similar percentage (85%) felt comfortable speaking to medical professionals about general healthcare concerns, only 64-77% of those surveyed were comfortable discussing a range of gynaecological and hormonal conditions (Department of Health and Social Care, 2022). 

Discussing anatomy empowers us to be able to hold open conversations and helps normalise our bodily functions. After all, everyone experiences health issues throughout their life in different parts of their bodies. Being able to describe accurately where you’re experiencing symptoms, whether in the ovaries, vulva, uterus, etc. helps get more targeted support for that area. 

*This is the language that is used in the study, we prefer the terms ‘People with Vaginas’ and ‘People with vulvas’.

The importance of teaching children and young people the correct terms for their anatomy cannot be reiterated enough. Not only does it aid in removing shame or embarrassment from the discussions, but it also promotes clarity in communications, as well as aids in keeping them safe and healthy. We need to be able to openly discuss genitals just like any other body part, it keeps everyone safe and healthy in the long run.

How do I talk to my children about their penis/vagina?

See our blog post here about Tackling Tricky Topics!

What we do

At School of Sexuality Education, we ensure we teach young people accurate terms for body parts. We never shame them for any words they have or use - for example because they are considered ‘childish’ or ‘rude’. But we do let them know that using factual and accurate language can be useful for keeping bodies happy and healthy. Our approach is rights-based, inclusive and trauma-informed. We support young people and those working with them to ensure everyone has access to a complete, inclusive and comprehensive relationships and sex(uality) education.

We facilitate educational sessions designed to make children and young people feel empowered to make informed decisions about their lives and the lives of others that they may interact with.

Regardless of the format, the School of Sexuality Education’s aim is always the same: to provide young people with the knowledge, skills and attributes to build healthier lives and develop a more equitable society.

Sources and Further Reading

American Academy of Paediatrics (2023), 10 Tips for Parents to Teach Children about Body Safety and Boundaries, Available at: aap.org/en/news-room/news-releases/health--safety-tips/10-tips-for-parents-to-teach-children-about-body-safety-and-boundaries/

Ben-Manahem, A. (2009), Historical Encyclopedia of Natural and Mathematical Sciences, Germany: Springer.

Buni, C. (2013), The Case for Teaching Kids 'Vagina,' 'Penis,' and 'Vulva', The Atlantic, Available at: theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/the-case-for-teaching-kids-vagina-penis-and-vulva/274969/

Butterfield, H. (1959), The Origins of Modern Science 1300 - 1800, [eBook] New York: The Macmillan Company, Available at: archive.org/details/originsofmoderns007291mbp/page/n7/mode/2up

Department of Health and Social Care (2022), Call for evidence outcome: Results of the ‘Women’s Health - Let’s talk about it’ survey, Available at: gov.uk/government/calls-for-evidence/womens-health-strategy-call-for-evidence/outcome/results-of-the-womens-health-lets-talk-about-it-survey.

Eve Appeal (2016), Why ‘vagina’ should be part of every woman’s vocabulary, Available at: eveappeal.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/The-Eve-Appeal-Vagina-Dialogues.pdf

Schechter, F. (no date), Stigma and Shame Lips: Interview With Florence Schechter, Director of The Vagina Museum, Available at: ellaone.co.uk/magazine/features/stigma-and-shame-lips-interview-with-florence-schechter-director-of-the-vagina-museum/

Harper, D. (no dateA), Etymology of pudendum, Online Etymology Dictionary, Available at: etymonline.com/word/pudendum

Harper, D (no dateB), Etymology of vagina, Online Etymology Dictionary, Available at: etymonline.com/word/vagina

Harper, D. (no dateC), Etymology of vulva, Online Etymology Dictionary, Available at: etymonline.com/search?q=vulva

Kenny, M. C., and Wurtele, S. K. (2008), Toward Prevention of Childhood Sexual Abuse: Preschoolers’ Knowledge of Genital Body Parts, In: Plakhotnik, M. S., and Nielsen, S. M. (eds), Proceedings of the Seventh Annual Collect of Education Research Conference: Urban and Educational Section, Miami: Florida International University, pp. 74-79, Available at: digitalcommons.fiu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1121&context=sferc.

McCallum-Barry, C. (2016), 'Learned Women of the Renaissance and Early Modern Period in Italy and England: The Relevance of their Scholarship', In: Rosie Wyles, and Edith Hall (eds), Women Classical Scholars: Unsealing the Fountain from the Renaissance to Jacqueline de Romilly, Classical Presences. Available at: doi.org/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780198725206.003.0002.

Physiopedia contributors (2023), Pudendal Nerve, Available at: physio-pedia.com/Pudendal_Nerve

Popat, S., Horwitz, R., Eilber, K., and Lee, U. (2022), “Vagina” is not a bad word: historical and contemporary censorship of the word “Vagina”, Journal of Urology, 207(5), p. e215, Available at: auajournals.org/doi/abs/10.1097/JU.0000000000002541.11

Rosen, G (2024), Why Do We Call the Vagina Everything but “Vagina”?, Available at: evvy.com/blog/censoring-vagina

Shaamteloos (no date), Vulvalippen, Available at: schaamteloos.org/en.

Strömquist, L (2014), Fruit of Knowledge: The Vulva vs. the Patriarchy, Translated by: Bowers, M., London: Virago.

Tamblyn, T. (2014), Apple Will Let You Engrave The Word ‘Penis’ But Not ‘Vagina’ On An iPad, Huffpost, Available at: huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/07/11/apple-ipad-engraving-sexism_n_5576866.html

Tackling tricky topics

Starting conversations with young people about topics like relationships, sex, inclusivity and respect can sometimes feel daunting - especially if you’ve not been taught these topics yourself. 

Here at School of Sexuality Education we find that lots of adults tell us they haven’t received high quality relationships and sex education themselves, and what they did learn as a child often left them with more questions than answers. 

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or youth leader, facilitating open dialogue is essential for safeguarding, and empowering young people.

Our unembarrassable team of experts have put together their five top tips to help you get started. 

5 Top Tips for Talking to Young People About Tricky Topics

Here are five practical tips to help keep tricky conversations meaningful and approachable.

1. Create a Safe and Judgement-Free Space

Young people are more likely to open up if they feel safe and respected. Let them know no question is “too silly” and no feeling is “wrong.” This will let young people know they can come to you and their questions or concerns will be taken seriously and heard. A great way to do this can also be by validating any feelings even if it’s just noting them or reflecting them back to show that it’s okay to have them. For example, “this topic seems to be making you angry / defensive / uncomfortable. Sometimes important things can make us feel that way”. 

For parents: If possible, choose a quiet moment when you’re alone together, like a car ride or a walk. Always avoid using an accusatory tone, even if you’re concerned. - but also normalise having small and regular conversations rather than one big “talk”.  

For educators: Establish classroom ground rules about respect and confidentiality during discussions.

We want to avoid shutting conversations down even if we find them alarming. Consider, are we alarmed because the comment is harmful or could that be because of our value judgement? 

2. Listen More Than You Talk

When a young person brings up a difficult topic, resist the urge to immediately “fix” or provide advice. Instead, ask open-ended questions and genuinely listen to their perspective. It can also be useful to check a young person’s understanding of something you want to address, or after you have explained it. 

Say this: “What do you think about that?” or “How does that make you feel?”

Avoid this: “Here’s what you should do…” or “That’s not something to worry about.”

By listening first, you’re showing that their thoughts and feelings matter. We are also not making choices on their behalf, instead empowering them to make informed decisions about their health and wellbeing. 

3. Use Language and Examples that respond to young people’s contextual and developmental needs 

It’s important to tailor your message to their age and level of understanding. Younger children benefit from simple explanations, while teenagers welcome more nuance and detail.

For younger kids: “Being kind and including others helps everyone feel happy and safe.”

For older teens: “Everyone deserves respect, kindness and to feel safe. People we’re in relationships with should be offering us this and we should do the same for others.” 

Relating these ideas to their real-life experiences—like friendships, TV or social media interactions—can make the conversation more relatable.

4. Be Honest and Open About Your Own Learning

If you’re not sure how to answer a tricky question, it’s okay to admit it. Young people respect authenticity and appreciate that learning is a lifelong process. It can be tempting to show young people that we have all of the answers , particularly if that’s a role we’re used to taking. But often just saying “I don’t know” can be empowering for young people to hear and help build trust around these conversations. 

Say this: “That’s a great question. Let’s look it up together,” or “I’m learning about this too.”

Avoid this: Giving a rushed or vague answer just to move on.

Being vulnerable about your own journey can encourage them to approach challenges with curiosity rather than fear.

5. Model Inclusive Behaviour and Values

Your actions often speak louder than words. If you want to teach inclusivity, respect, and empathy, make sure your own behaviour reflects these values.

  • Celebrate diversity in your community and media choices.

  • Avoid stereotypes and language that might alienate or hurt others.

  • Address your own mistakes openly: “I realise I said something that might be hurtful. Here’s how I’ll do better.”

Young people learn best when they see adults practicing what they preach.

Talking about tricky topics isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most impactful ways to shape a young person’s understanding of the world. 

By creating a safe space, listening deeply, using relatable language, being honest, and modelling inclusivity, you can help them navigate these conversations with confidence and compassion.

Want to expand the conversation? Our book is a great resource for any parent, caregiver or young person. It offers a positive, practical and empowering guide for teenagers, tackling sex and relationships in an inclusive and non-judgemental way Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships.