Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships

In September 2021, School of Sexuality Education published Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships. We’d been delivering sex and relationships education workshops in schools for a few years by then, and we wanted to put all of the experience we’d gained in that time to good use. We decided that the best way to do that would be to write a book together – one that could be accessed by teenagers all over the country, no matter who they were or where they were.

It felt important to us to make sure that lots of different perspectives and voices went into the book, not only in terms of expertise (our team’s made up of doctors, teachers, activists and academics) but in terms of life experiences too, and the unique combinations of things that make us us. As such, it was a genuinely collaborative effort, and to be honest, we are pretty proud of it! We think that the end result is a positive, practical, and empowering guide for teenagers which tackles tricky topics in inclusive and non-judgemental ways.

It's made up of nine chapters in total, each of which focuses on a different one of those tricky topics: consent; gender, sexuality and identity; relationships; the body; what is sex?; reproductive health; sexual health; body image; and online life. Across them all, we aim to answer the questions that young people (people of all ages, really!) might not feel confident enough to ask elsewhere.

Alongside the main text of each chapter, we added in a few other sections too. One of these is the ‘myth versus reality’ boxes, which provide accurate information to challenge some of the common ‘myths’ out there about sex and relationships which often come up in the classroom. There are ‘did you know?’ boxes too, which share fun or interesting facts, ‘tips and tricks’ sections, and ‘consider’ boxes which give extra details to help readers to grasp the ‘bigger picture’. Lastly, the chapters also include all kinds of ‘unembarrassable moments’ where different members of the team share anecdotes about personal experiences, to connect the information to some real-life stories, and to prove that we really are unembarrassable!

With such a range of topics and features across the book, it really is jam-packed with information, but readers aren’t expected to take everything in in one go. We designed it so that teenagers can dip in and out of the chapters at their own pace, or even just flick through to the different sections as and when they’re interested in learning more. We’ve popped some notes in the back for teachers and parents too, in case they want to use the book to spark conversations with the young people in their lives – it really is for anyone and everyone.

When we wrote the note for teachers, we did so in the hope that Sex Ed could be used as a resource for planning and teaching, which is why we’re so pleased to already have had several teachers tell us how useful they’ve found it for clarifying information, generating discussion points, and figuring out how best to frame concepts. In light of this praise, we’re now working towards getting at least one copy into every school library in the UK. Not only will this help more teachers, but it will also mean that every teenager in the country will have access to the important information the book contains, and will therefore have the opportunity to better understand themselves, their relationships, and one another.

We’re crowdfunding to send free copies of Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships to UK school libraries. Please click on this link to find out more and to donate.

Click here to purchase a copy of Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships.

YAP Blog: Bridgerton: Gender norms, feminism and the patriarchy

WRITTEN BY A MEMBER OF SCHOOL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION’S BRILLIANT YOUTH ADVISORY PANEL (YAP).

Jazmín, aged 18, Argentina

Translated from Spanish. Spanish version also available on our here.

Being one of the most watched shows on Netflix, Bridgerton brought to the table how patriarchal culture has affected every aspect of our lives since the beginning of time. This blog will analyse and highlight some of the issues the show tackles.

Based on Julia Quinn's novels, this drama is set in Regency Era London, and revolves around the ‘Ton’. It is set during the social season, when debutants make their entrance into the “marriage market”, as Lady Whistledown, the narrator of the series, calls it. 

“Marriage market” might not make sense in our heads when we think of marrying someone, but as I will explain, some of its characteristics remain to this day.

GENDER NORMS

In the first episode, the debutantes are presented to the Queen who judges them based on their appearance. This event means everything to these young women, to the extent that one of them faints due to the tightness of her corset, and we see parallels with this today. This might seem like an exaggeration, but the reality is that a lot of women, especially teenagers, face body image pressures because of the stereotypes that being thinner is being prettier.

As the episode continues, Daphne, the main character, has to obey her older brother just because he is “the man of the house”. For that reason, she can't dance with anyone, even if she wants to. According to her brother, she must leave men “wanting” otherwise she would be seen as a shameless woman who lives a non-conservative sexual life. This judgement is part of daily life, categorising liberated women as having less value than those who conform with the norms.

Something similar happens when Daphne and the Duke of Hastings kiss in the garden before getting married. Anthony, Daphne’s older brother, finds them and as a consequence he  must bring ‘honor’ back to his family. This makes Daphne both the victim and the one to blame – both a slut and a child, incapable of taking care of herself. At the same time, a man has to take responsibility for the situation, demonstrating what it means to “be a man”.

Daphne: “Do you think because I'm a woman I'm incapable of making my own choices?”, “Do you even care that Simon has dishonored me as you say it is it your male pride that you seek to satisfy?”

This gender norm seems to affect not just Anthony but also the Duke, whose duty as a man was determined since the day he was born – an idea which certainly chimes with the present day. Even before the birth of a baby, people start to assume likes and behaviors that the child should have according to their sex assigned at birth. If the baby is female, then she should like pink and she must be sweet, respectful, charming and caring. If the baby’s male, then he should like blue and he must be brave, disciplined, insensitive and caring – but not in a ‘feminine’ way but rather in a dominant, protective, way.

This also happens in another conversation, when Anthony offers him Daphne's dowry, which he refuses to accept, claiming that “Her wellbeing is my responsibility now”. This means not only a huge responsibility for the Duke, but it also sentences Daphne to a life of obedience, reflecting the stereotypes shown in the previous paragraph.

FEMINISM

In all eight episodes of Season One, we see revolutionary thoughts. Every woman in the series recognises that there is a difference between the power that women and men have. Being aware of this, they are capable of turning stereotypes to their favour. They  spread a rumor so that Daphne can avoid a marriage  to someone she doesn't want.

Daphne: “Who would believe a group of women over a man's word?”

Violet, Daphne's mother: “Perhaps no-one, but they will if Lady Whistledown does. So we should do what women do, we should talk.

Although this suggests Lady Whistledown has power and influence, Eloise, Daphne's younger sister observes that: “Whistledown is a woman. Therefore, she has nothing. You are a man. Therefore, you have everything.” 

Eloise is the most controversial character of the drama. She is open about her ideas and isn’t afraid of expressing her anger against the patriarchal culture. She explores the foundations of patriarchy and the more complex matters relating to the oppression of women. At first, she is only worried about her future: “Why it must our only options be to squawk and settle or to never leave the nest? What if I want to fly?”, “Do you know what is an accomplishment? Attending university! If I were a man I could do that, you know.”

Then, she starts to worry about other women that she knows. For example her friend, Penelope, has a maid who is pregnant and single. The maid plans to escape with the father of the baby, which only increases Eloise´s concern: “Then, she has even a greater reason to be frightened. Once she is married, her life is over. Oh, that poor maid!”

She is able to express her ideas towards patriarchy when discussing a painting with Penelope, showing that all women seem affected by it – not just her. “That's because, like all of this paintings, it was done by a man who sees women as nothing more other than a decorative object.” 

She also seems to reject her older sister's lifestyle and doesn't hesitate to question her:“So Daphne may be in love, does she think it an accomplishment? What exactly has she accomplished, then? She certainly did not build that man or bake him. He simply showed up.”

Daphne, on the contrary, isn't as determined as Eloise although she often seems tired with her situation. 

Daphne: “You don't have idea what it is to be a woman.”, “This is what I was raised for, [...] I don't have other value.”

These lines show how she really feels about the pressure of getting married and being a mother, even if that's what she wants. Certainly this is a pressure that many women feel, especially if they decide that they don't want to be a mother . Even if no-one else openly judges them, which is extremely unlikely, they have to deal with the internalised misogyny, which may make them feel unworthy and incomplete.

LACK OF INFORMATION

From the second episode we can see characters being curious about things that might be obvious to us, such as how babies are conceived. Eloise, being a teenager, doesn't have this information: “How does a lady come to be with child?” Not even Daphne, who is already married: “If it is this difficult to discuss, how difficult it must be to perform.” In both cases, they feel scared, because of the possibility of getting pregnant before marriage or because of the “marital act” itself. 

It is clear that today we have more information about sex and many issues are no longer as taboo but unnecessary mystery around this topic is still part of our society.

To these sisters, there aren't clear answers, which increases their confusion and plays a fundamental role in the show. For example, when Eloise´s brothers try to explain it to her their mother stops them: “I hope you are not encouraging improper topics of conversation.” While this might seem as far from our reality as it can be, sex is often explained through metaphors to people who have the capacity to understand. This is added to the fact that sex, is most of the time, explained from a heteronormative point of view. This increases the confusion and fear around it – feelings that should have been left behind decades ago.

SEXUAL ASSAULT

Most Bridgerton viewers noticed that there is a scene where Daphne is harassed by a man. She is in the garden alone when this man appears and starts to get closer to her, trying to kiss her and touch her. Luckily, after her saying “stop” a few times, Daphne  is able to escape. 

Unfortunately, this is something that still happens today. In fact, 78% of women have experienced harassment in a public space and the same feeling of guilt that Daphne has is common. At the same time, she feels terrified of everyone knowing because it would be a scandal for her. This is happening now, every day, when these crimes come out in public, questions such as: "Why was she alone at night, in those clothes?” “Why didn’t she fight back?” “What did she do to cause it?” are asked, blaming the victim. 

Daphne: “And I'm alone with two men. [...] I will be compromised just the same. Do you have any idea what would happen if someone even suggested that I...?”

Finally, there is another scene that shows a sexual assault. When Daphne discovers how to have sex in order to have a child, she forces Simon to come inside of her when clearly he doesn't want to. 

It might be surprising to realise that this is categorised as sexual assault because Daphne is vulnerable during the whole show and men being victims isn´t something commonly discussed. Often phrases such as “Guys always want sex.”, “He was very lucky, if I were him I wouldn’t complain” are used, suggesting that being raped or abused while being a male is something to be proud of, without any acknowledgement of anything negative.

Furthermore, most people wouldn't picture Daphne as an aggressor. The stereotypical image of what an aggressor should look like continues to affect how all victims of any kind of sexual violence are able to speak up about what happened. This stereotype also affects the extent to which victims are believed about  the aggression they suffered.

Bridgerton is perfect for discussing matters around sex, gender, physical and mental health. In my view, gender norms, feminism, the lack of information referring to sex and sex assault are the most impactful and interesting topics. The creator, Chris Van Dusen, and the producer, Shonda Rhimes, manage to show issues that are usually hidden but they were also able to discuss current topics working with a novel set in 1813. Finally, I'm excited to see what other teachable moments will ensue in the upcoming season.  I'm especially interested to  watch the women characters challenge patriarchal structures further.

Our book ‘Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships’​ ​ is out​ ​now.

YAP Blog: Bridgerton: Normas de género, feminismo y patriarcado

ESCRITO POR UNA DE LAS INTEGRANTES DEL BRILLANTE GRUPO ASESOR DE JÓVENES DE SCHOOL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION

Jazmín, 18 años, Argentina

English version available here.

Siendo el show más visto de Netflix, Bridgerton demostró cómo la cultura patriarcal ha afectado todos los aspectos de nuestras vidas desde el principio de los tiempos. En este artículo, voy a analizar y destacar algunos de los conflictos que el show aborda.

Basado en la novela de Julia Quinn's, este drama está ambientado en la alta sociedad de Londres en el periodo Regencia, durante la temporada social, donde las debutantes hacen su entrada dentro del “mercado matrimonial”, como Lady Whistledown, la narradora de la serie, lo llama.

“Mercado matrimonial” puede no hacer sentido cuando pensamos en casarnos, sin embargo, algunas de sus características han sido preservadas hasta nuestro presente, como voy a explicar.

ROLES DE GÉNERO

En el primer episodio, las debutantes son presentadas ante la reina, quien las juzga en base a su apariencia. Este hecho significa todo para estas jóvenes, hasta el punto donde una de ellas se desmaya debido a su ajustado corsé. Esto puede parecer una exageración, pero es cierto que, incluso hoy en día, muchas mujeres, en especial las adolescentes, sufren de trastornos alimenticios a causa de los estereotipos que imponen que ser más delgada es ser más bonita.

Mientras el episodio continúa, Daphne, el personaje principal, tiene que obedecer a su hermano mayor sólo porque es “el hombre de la casa”. Por esta razón, no puede bailar con nadie, incluso si así lo desea. De acuerdo con su hermano, debe dejar a los hombres “queriendo más”, de otra forma, sería vista como una mujer sinvergüenza que lleva una vida sexual activa. Este juicio sigue sucediendo diariamente, categorizando a las mujeres que viven con libertad como de menor valor que aquellas que se conforman con las normas.

Algo similar ocurre cuando Daphne y el Duque de Hastings, su futuro marido, se besan en el jardín antes de casarse. Anthony, su hermano mayor, lxs encuentra y, en consecuencia, debe traer el honor de nuevo a su familia, convirtiendo a Daphne en la  víctima y la culpable al mismo tiempo. Es categorizada como una puta y una niña, incapaz de valerse por sí misma. Al mismo tiempo, un hombre tiene que tomar responsabilidad por ello, demostrando lo que “ser un hombre” significa.

Daphne: “¿Crees que sólo por ser mujer soy incapaz de tomar mis propias decisiones?”, “¿Te importa que Simon me haya deshonrado, como dices, o es tu orgullo de hombre el que quieres satisfacer?”

Este rol de género parece afectar no sólo a Anthony, sino también al Duque, cuyo deber como hombre fue determinado desde el día en el que nació, siendo tan sólo un bebé, lo cual parece ser algo moderno. Incluso antes de nacer, las personas comienzan a asumir gustos y comportamientos que lx recién nacidx debería tener acorde a su sexo asignado en el nacimiento. Si es una mujer, entonces deberá de gustarle el rosa y deberá ser amorosa, respetuosa, encantadora y bondadosa. Si es un hombre, entonces deberá de gustarle el azul y deberá ser valiente, disciplinado, impasible y bondadoso, pero no de la misma manera en la que las mujeres lo son, sino que tienen que ser dominantes.

Esto ocurre en otra conversación, cuando Anthony le ofrece el dote de Daphne, el cual se rehúsa a aceptar, afirmando que “Su bienestar es mi responsabilidad ahora”. Esto no sólo significa una enorme responsabilidad para Simon, el Duque, sino que también sentencia a Daphne a una vida de obediencia, reflejando los estereotipos ilustrados en el párrafo anterior.

FEMINISMO

En los ocho capítulos, diversos pensamientos revolucionarios son ilustrados. Todas las mujeres en la serie reconocen que hay una diferencia entre el poder que las mujeres y los hombres tienen. Siendo conscientes de ello, son capaces de volcar los estereotipos a su favor. Divulgan un rumor para evadir el matrimonio de Daphne con alguien con quien ella no se quiere casar.

Daphne: “¿Quién les creerá a unas mujeres contra la palabra de un hombre?”

Violeta, madre de Daphne: “Pero lo creerán si Lady Whistledown nos cree. Así que haremos lo que las mujeres hacen. Hablaremos.”

Incluso si esto puede posicionar a Lady Whistledown como la voz más poderosa, Eloise, la hermana menor de Daphne, remarca que “Whistledown es mujer. Por lo tanto, no tiene nada. Tu eres hombre. Por lo tanto, lo tienes todo.”

Eloise es el personaje más controversial del drama. Es abierta respecto a sus ideas y no está asustada de expresar su enojo hacia la cultura patriarcal. Explora las bases del patriarcado y los detalles más complejos que oprimen a las mujeres. Al principio, sólo está preocupada por su futuro, “¿Por qué nuestras únicas opciones son graznar y casarse o no abandonar el nido?, ¿Qué tal si yo quiero volar?”, “¿Te digo lo que sí es un logro? ¡Asistir a la universidad! Si fuera hombre yo podría hacer eso.”

Luego, comienza a preocuparse por otras mujeres que conoce como, por ejemplo, la sirvienta de Penélope, quien está embarazada y soltera, pero planea escaparse con el padre del bebé, lo cual únicamente incrementa la preocupación de Eloise: “Son suficientes razones para tener miedo. Cuando se case su vida terminará. Eso no es un escape Penélope.”

Finalmente, es capaz de expresar sus ideas contra el patriarcado cuando conversa sobre una pintura con Penélope, demostrando que todas las mujeres parecen ser afectadas por el machismo, y no sólo ella. “Es porque estas pinturas fueron hechas por hombres que ven a las mujeres como objetos decorativos.”

A su vez, muestra rechazo al pensar en el estilo de vida de su hermana mayor, y no duda en cuestionarla, “Daphne tal vez esté enamorada, ¿Cree que eso es un logro?, ¿Qué es lo que ha logrado? No horneó a ese hombre, ni lo fabricó, simplemente apareció.”

Daphne, al contrario, no es tan determinada como Eloise, pero frecuentemente muestra cansancio.

Daphne: “No tienes idea de lo que es ser mujer", "Esto es para lo que fui educada, […] No tengo otro valor.”

Estas líneas muestran cómo realmente se siente sobre la presión de casarse y de ser madre, incluso si eso es lo que desea. Definitivamente, esta es una presión que muchas mujeres sienten, especialmente cuando deciden que no quieren ejercer la maternidad. Incluso si nadie las juzga directamente, lo cual es casi imposible, deben de lidiar con la misoginia internalizada, la cual las hace sentir indignas e incompletas.

FALTA DE INFORMACIÓN

Es claro que hoy en día contamos con más información sexual y otras cuestiones relacionadas ya no son tabú, pero el misterio innecesario alrededor de este tema sigue siendo parte de nuestra sociedad.

Desde el segundo episodio podemos ver a lxs personajes siendo curiosxs respecto a cosas que pueden parecernos obvias, tales como de qué manera ocurre la concepción. Eloise, siendo una adolescente, no cuenta con esta información, “¿Cómo es que una mujer queda en cinta?” Ni siquiera Daphne, quién ya está casada, “Si es tan difícil decirlo, ¿Qué tan difícil va a ser llevarlo a cabo?” En ambos casos, se sienten asustadas, debido a la posibilidad de quedar embarazadas antes del matrimonio o por lo que el “acto marital” es.

Para estas hermanas no hay respuestas claras, lo cual incrementa su confusión y juega un papel fundamental en el show. Por ejemplo, cuando los hermanos de Eloise intentan explicarle, su madre se rehúsa, “Espero que ustedes dos no alienten temas impropios en la conversación.” Mientras esto puede parecer lejano a nuestra realidad, el sexo es frecuentemente explicado con metáforas a personas que cuentan con la capacidad de entender. Esto se añade al hecho de que el sexo es, la mayoría de las veces, explicado desde un punto de vista heteronormativo, lo cual incrementa la confusión y el miedo, sentimientos que debían haber sido dejados atrás hace décadas.

AGRESIÓN SEXUAL

La mayoría de lxs espectadores de Bridgerton se dieron cuenta de que hay una escena dónde Daphne es acosada por un hombre. Ella estaba en el jardín sola cuando este hombre apareció y comenzó a acercarse, tratando de besarla y  tocarla. Afortunadamente, después de decir “basta” repetidas veces, logra escapar.

Desafortunadamente, esto sigue sucediendo. De hecho, el 78% de mujeres han experimentado abuso en un lugar público1. El mismo sentimiento de culpa que Daphne tuvo, se replica en cada víctima. Al mismo tiempo, se siente aterrada de que alguien lo sepa, porque sería un escándalo para ella. Esto está sucediendo ahora, todos los días, cuando estos crímenes se hacen públicos surgen preguntas como: “¿Por qué estaba sola de noche, vestida así?, ¿Qué hizo para provocarlo?, ¿Por qué no se defendió?”, culpando a la víctima.

Daphne: “Y yo estoy sola, con dos hombres. […] Quedaré comprometida de cualquier forma. ¿Tiene idea de que pasaría si alguien llegara a sugerir que yo…?”

Finalmente, hay otra escena que muestra una agresión sexual. Cuando Daphne descubre cómo tener sexo para quedar embarazada, fuerza a Simon a eyacular dentro de ella, cuando, claramente, él no quiere.

Puede ser sorpresivo el darse cuenta que esto está categorizado como una agresión sexual, a causa de que Daphne es vulnerable durante todo el show y los hombres siendo las víctimas no es algo que sea comúnmente conversado, muchas veces frases como “Los hombres siempre quieren tener sexo”, “Fue muy afortunado, si fuera yo no me quejaría” son dichas, estableciendo que ser violado o abusado siendo hombre es algo de lo que estar orgulloso, sin ningún otro sentimiento que puede ser negativo siendo involucrado.

Además, la mayoría de personas no se imaginarían a Daphne como una agresora. La imagen estereotípica de como unx agresorx debería verse sigue afectando la forma en

que las víctimas de cualquier tipo de violencia sexual pueden contar lo que sucedió.  Esto también afecta la fiabilidad del testimonio que las víctimas pueden dar sobre la agresión que sufrieron.

Bridgerton es perfecta para discutir asuntos relacionados con el sexo, el género, la salud física y mental. Considero que los roles de género, el feminismo, la falta de información referida al sexo y las agresiones sexuales son los temas más impactantes e interesantes. El creador, Chris Van Dusen, y la productora, Shonda Rhimes, lograron mostrar conflictos que usualmente son escondidos, pero también fueron capaces de poner en discusión problemas actuales, trabajando con una novela basada en 1813. Finalmente, estoy emocionada por ver qué otras situaciones remarcables sucederán en la próxima temporada y, sobre todo, estoy especialmente interesada en observar cómo los personajes femeninos cuestionan, incluso más, las estructuras patriarcales.

Our book ‘Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships’​ ​ is out​ ​now.