What is sex positivity?

SOPHIE WHITEHEAD SPEAKS TO THE SCHOOL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION TEAM ABOUT WHAT SEX POSITIVITY MEANS TO THEM.

In our work with young people, we always advocate for a sex positive approach both in the classroom and in general. Sometimes the term can generate a bit of confusion with different interpretations and definitions contradicting one another. This post is about what we take sex positivity to be; how it helps us to frame school workshops and understand the place of sex and sexuality in people’s lives.

If you Google ‘sex positivity’, you’ll find several lists of what is isn’t. These lists rightfully state that sex positivity isn’t about promoting sex, always liking sex, encouraging others to have sex or always talking about sex. Rather, it’s about communicating, respecting, being curious and being open. I spoke to some members of the School of Sexuality Education team to hear their take on the term and their thoughts contributed to the ideas complied here…

Firstly, sex positivity is about communicating without shame or embarrassment. It could be talking to sexual partners about likes and dislikes, wants and needs. It could also be listening to partners about their preferences and, most importantly, being able to have this dialogue in a non-judgemental, honest and open way. This communication goes beyond the here and now too - sex positivity could mean being open to listening to a partner’s past sexual experiences or, conversely, respecting when a partner doesn’t want to have those conversations. The communication should ultimately be a source of empowerment between all people involved to ensure they feel safe, respected and can have fun!

While non-judgemental communication with partners is crucial, sex positivity goes beyond conversations in sexual relationships. It can also be a part of communication between children and families when growing up, or teachers and students at school, about destigmatising masturbation or giving young people the space to ask questions when they do want to explore their sexuality with a partner. The ability to engage in these discussions without shame or taboo is essential for sexual pleasure but it’s also essential for understanding safety and consent. Talking about sex removes its mystique and ensures young people know their rights.

Practising talking about sex as part of sex positivity is also important so that we avoid making assumptions about how someone wants to engage in sex or who with. It means stepping away from heteronormative and monogamy-based assumptions and, instead, working to understand our own and each other’s desires openly and without presumption. There are a variety of sexual preferences and practices – we’re all a little different. Being sex positive is about accepting and learning about that diversity in order to approach sex with a nuanced awareness of everybody’s multi-faceted, fluid sexual identity.

This includes being non-judgemental and accepting about sexual practices that are considered to deviate from the norm. It also means recognising that some people may not want to engage in sex or may want specific limits on this. It’s important to recognise and validate people who are asexual or demisexual, for example. Even though sex is healthy and ‘normal’, it’s not a necessary part of a healthy and normal life. According to School of Sexuality Education facilitator Almaz, ‘we live in a time and a culture where sexuality is conflated with sex acts most of the time and that needn’t be the case, so, for me, sex positivity is about accepting the full spectrum of sexuality.’

This acceptance of the full spectrum of sexuality applies to all ages too. For children, questions about sex and sexuality come from a place of curiosity. School of Sexuality Education facilitator Charlie advocates for the notion of ‘positive curiosity’. This means never judging but asking questions to understand other people’s perspectives and experiences and being open to learning from them. Too often, the curiosity we have around sex and our own sexual desires is framed as negative or taboo, cloaking the topic in feelings of shame. Interpreting this curiosity through sex positivity reimagines it and dismantles the oppressive framework of taboo and judgement, instead creating space for communication and open exploration.

Ultimately, sex positivity is about being non-judgemental, openly communicating and reducing embarrassment around sexuality in its many forms. Research has shown that sex-negativity and shame-oriented narratives have been linked to social problems such as homophobia, sexism, racism and gaps in sex education. Sex positivity can challenge this by avoiding stereotyping and dehumanising language which can prevent people from having important conversations around consent, pleasure and sexual health. Sex positivity isn’t about shouting sex stories or always thinking sex is great. It’s about recognising and affirming the sexual aspect of each person’s identity with all its nuances, wants, questions and needs – shame- and stigma-free.

Thanks to the School of Sexuality Education facilitators Emma, Gayathiri, Almaz, Charlie and Bex for sharing your thoughts for this post.

Illustrations by Evie Karkera, unless otherwise credited.

Our book ‘Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships’​ ​ is out​ ​now.

Our take on the school uniform debate

School of Sexuality Education’s Sophie Whitehead explains the issue with school dress codes, and what needs to change.

School uniform is a long-contested topic in British education circles, so much so that it’s now become an overused classroom debate motion for the students themselves. Supporters of traditional school wear think it’s democratic, fosters a sense of school community and improves student focus during lesson time. Conversely, and in our view, more accurately, some argue that it creates additional expense for parents, limits self-expression and has to be policed by teachers, ultimately creating a disruption to learning. As those who spend time in schools will know, uniforms are rarely as democratic as they seem.

The gendered aspect of school uniforms is also at the centre of the debate. Uniform is problematic for non-binary, gender questioning or transitioning students who are made to exist within a system of boy/girl. The enforced binary undermines students’ rights to gender neutrality, fluidity and experimentation and therefore undermines the message of inclusivity and LGBTQ+ support which many schools ostensibly advocate.

In some schools, gender-neutral uniforms have been introduced in a bid to address some of these issues. Though well-intentioned, in practice, these policies can make the whole uniform masculine by enforcing ‘trousers for all’ type rules. Masculinity is coded as neutral whereas femininity is, well, feminine. Alternatively, some schools adopt a gender-neutral uniform policy by stating that all students can wear anything from the clothes available – i.e. ‘girls can wear trousers’. Again, though this is a well-meaning shift, in practice, social convention can mean that girls feel uncomfortable making that shift and so everything carries on as it was.

On top of these problems, we know that school uniform is inherently sexist. Even though many schools now offer trousers for girls to wear, the tightness of those trousers is routinely monitored and disciplined. If not trousers, girls are expected to wear skirts and thin blouses. The length of skirts is measured and the thinness of blouses leads to comments on bras seen through clothing and more. In some draconian cases, girls’ skirts have been blamed for distracting male peers and making male teachers feel uncomfortable. A self-evidently victim blaming suggestion. Add to that the itchy synthetic fabric of tights in the winter months and many girls are left with a choice between cold and discomfort.  

One student we work with commented, “I think it’s important not to call out a girl if they’re wearing too short a skirt or too low cut a top etc in front of the whole class because that’s humiliating, one of my teachers said to a girl “your skirt is very short” and then something along the lines of it’s not covering much. I thought that was really unnecessary, could have easily been said in a more respectful and private way.”

This isolated anecdote exists in different iterations in classrooms nationwide and demonstrates the way sexism and school uniform interact. Though it’s been argued that it’s is all in favour of smartness and pseudo-professionalism, misogynistic ideas about what constitutes professional clothing are evident in school dress codes. From skirt lengths to exposed collar bones, uniform enforcement goes hand in hand with the sexualisation of young women. It’s a uniquely gendered phenomenon.

At School of Sexuality Education, the work we do seeks to counter rape culture, victim blaming, binaries and body shaming. It seems that school uniform in its current form, even with attempts at gender neutrality, undermines the messages we often share in classrooms. Though some educators have tried, it’s hard to know whether a progressive uniform policy can exist, given the legacy it would be following on from. With this in mind, for us, no uniform is the way forward. We advocate for school policies which allow all young people the freedom to dress in a way that feels right and comfortable for them. No gender rules. No skirt measuring. No sexism. No binaries.

Illustrations by Evie Karkera, unless otherwise credited.

Our book ‘Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships’​ ​ is out​ ​now.

How to teach about sexual health: empowerment instead of shame

teaching methods used to help young people understand the importance of safe sex often use shame and shock to get the message across - but this is ineffective and even harmful.

Showing pictures of genitalia presenting symptoms of sexually transmitted infections has long been used a way to teach young people about the risks of unprotected sex. The rationale given is that these pictures shock students into taking sexual health seriously. However, despite the widespread use of this teaching device, School of Sexuality Education argues that not only is this method ineffective in aiding students’ learning, but it can also instil attitudes that negatively impact someone’s sexual health.

The distraction the pictures create inhibits learning

For most students, these images will be the first time a teacher has shown them a photo of genitals in school. Whilst we live in a society where grown adults use euphasisms to talk about the gentials, young people cannot be expected to respond in a way other than with shock and horror - and in fact, the learning outcomes are reliant on their collective disgust. But this emotional response creates a distraction which means students will be less able to productively engage with the key learning messages about sexual health. Sexual health, as with all aspects of physical well-being should be approached with a calm, rational and positive mindset: this is feeling we should aim to create in RSE.

The key learning messages are misleading

Importantly, focussing on symptoms of STIs can skew a vital learning messages: that a large proportion of STIs are asymptomatic. By looking closly at symptoms students could be left with the inaccurate impression that they will have visible symptoms if they have an STI (not necessarily); symptoms look the same for everyone (they don’t, of course); and that they could self-diagnose through learning about these symptoms (definitely not). Effective sexual health teaching therefore focusses on prevention and good personal health practise. This involves learning about different methods of protection and correct use; when to get tested; what testing involves (stressing that STI screening is very normal, sensible and should be treated as just another part of your personal self-care); getting to know your own body; and the importance of open and accurate communication with sexual parters and medical professionals.

The shame associated with sex is detrimental

There is still an enormous amount of stigma surrounding sex and sexual health. This culture of shame directly damages the attitudes and behaviours we need to promote in order to reduce sexually transmitted infections. Namely, we must feel empowered and confident in order to discuss using protection; to access sexual health services with the recommended frequency; and to communicate any relevant information to both medical professionals and sexual partners.

The affected response of the class - again, arguably the intended response - is one of repulsion. This crowd-judgement of a picture of someone’s genitalia with an infection is extremely powerful for contributing to our internalised shame around our bodies and sexual health. It reminds us that our genital health is something that is shameful and should be kept a closely-guarded secret, otherwise we will be subject to this same disgrace. Our response, naturally, may be that we avoid or delay speaking up, to the detriment of ourselves and others.

All of this raises the question: why have these photos stuck as a teaching strategy for so long? Most likely, because they align with the long-standing trend of abstinence-based SRE, in which scare tactics are used to try and discourage people from having sex. It’s time we move onto a scientifically accurate, empowering and useful approach, which young people need and deserve.

Our book ‘Sex Ed: An Inclusive Teenage Guide to Sex and Relationships’​ ​ is out​ ​now.