A recent Guardian article explored the rise of choking during sex. The views that were most prominently centred in this piece included those that portrayed this as a ‘horrifying’ practice, one where there is ‘no safe way to do it’.
The piece has led to strong reactions, prompting comments from the public with concerns about choking being ‘normalised’ for young people and worries about expectations in intimate relationships.
At School of Sexuality Education, we welcome serious journalism that explores sexuality and sex - including work that draws attention to potential harms. However, we often find that reporting focuses on one specific act rather than the surrounding attitudes and practices that drive the actual harm. This misses the point and undermines the work of educators striving to keep young people safe. Nuance matters when we talk about harm.
Shame-free, harm prevention-focused Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE) can be part of the solution.
Sensationalism doesn’t educate
Framing certain sexual acts as inherently dangerous or harmful, without context, can stoke fear and capture the audience’s attention. But fear is not the basis for good education. What’s often missing from these narratives is the why. Why do some people engage in certain sexual behaviours? Why are some harmed, while others are not? And crucially, how can young people be supported to explore sex safely and communicate clearly?
Safelives (2022) found that some students had a perception that their school feel they are not mature enough to engage in discussions of sexual harassment and violence. This, despite the issue being a very real concern for them.
As an RSE charity, we work with thousands of students across the UK every year, helping them to build the skills they need to communicate consent and boundaries. What we know from experience and evidence is this: it’s not just a particular act that causes harm, it’s the communication and attitudes around it.
A sense of entitlement to sex and another’s body, lack of regard for a partner’s pleasure or comfort, and power imbalances leading to coercion are the factors we should focus on addressing and educating people about. In our workshops with young people, we focus on the importance of communication around consent and pleasure. We make it clear that this is central to any kind of sex, sexual touching, or other sexual behaviour. Without that focus, we’re not helping young people stay safe. We’re just telling them what not to do, without explaining why or taking time to understand their perspective and cultures.
Porn isn’t the whole story
The article suggests that pornography is to blame for the rise in “risky sex”, with little evidence to support this. While porn can certainly shape people’s expectations and ideas around sex, it’s not always helpful to see it as the only or main cause of harm.
It’s too easy to position harm-doers as passive recipients of media, rather than individuals accountable for their behaviour. It also deflects attention away from what we can actively do to support safety, like helping young people know how to talk about sex in the first place, through teaching critical thinking and media literacy.
What our programmes cover
Our RSE sessions are rooted in empathy, honesty and prevention. We explore:
What consent really looks like (including what it’s not)
What pressure is and how to ensure we are not pressuring someone
How to communicate desire and discomfort
What healthy, respectful relationships can look and feel like
Talk about harm
Sexual harm is real. It’s serious and needs thoughtful, robust public dialogue that raises awareness. But it also needs accuracy, accountability, space for complexity and an evidence-led approach.
This report from Rape Crisis highlights the extent that young people are subject to sexual violence in schools and it is unlikely to be driven by ‘extreme porn’.
We need honest conversations that include the voices of young people, educators, violence prevention experts - including those who are survivors of sexual violence. Relationships and sexuality must be taught in a way that prioritises safety and pleasure, communication, and care.
Reducing harm needs to be led by evidence-based practice, addressing the root causes of sexual violence such as power imbalance, gendered norms and entitlement.
For more information about our work, email info@schoolofsexed.org.